Yoga-ish and Clarity through Exhaustion

savasanaI am so very, very tired.

I started practicing yoga again recently.  I used to love yoga class.  I loved it so much I actually started the teacher training process.  In that process I realized I was a better student than teacher so I just continued with regular classes.  For a few reasons, I stopped practicing.  The reasons I stopped are not important.  What is important is that I started again and am so happy that I did.  The only problem is

I am so very, very tired.

I was smart about going back.  I took an introductory series as I was very aware that since I had been away for awhile and gained some weight, my alignment was at best, wonky.  Also, the style I used to practice was not widely taught so I really went back to basics with Hatha yoga classes.  The intro series was twice a week for four weeks.  I loved it!  The teacher was wonderful and I gained so much new knowledge that I could apply to what I already knew.  Things clicked like they had not in the past.  After the first week I was hooked again.

When the series ended, I felt ready for a regular class.  The same teacher taught the same nights I’d been going, just an hour earlier.  I got into class, grabbed a blanket and unrolled my mat ready for whatever came my way in the next hour.  What came my way was a reality check.  The intro series prepared me for the asanas that were going to be part of class but there were lots of breaks and talking about the things we were doing and how to do them correctly.  While the teacher directed us well, there was a lot more movement and non-movement than there was during the intro series.  Sweat dripped onto my mat.  My palms sweated and caused my downward dog to slip.  There was one asana I just could not get into because it was so painful. I almost cried at one point out of sheer frustration. (Note: I was not pushing myself too hard, my heel just seemed really sensitive and I could not roll onto it…my yoga callouses need to redevelop).

I was fine by then end of class and felt really wonderful, just as I remembered feeling when I had practiced in the past.  I also remembered how much work was involved.  I was very tired.

Taking classes costs money.  I know this seems like a shift but it is not.  Anyway, since I was going to be spending money on classes, I figured I better figure out a way to save money in another area.  I love food and I love to cook but I am not a 7 day a week cook.  We eat out/takeout far too much.  So, I set out to make sure that I made dinner every night and had leftovers to take to work every day.  So, I raced home after work to prep for the dinner we would have when I got back from class in addition to the other household stuff.  On the days I didn’t have class I tried to prep as well and do other household stuff, again.  I was not getting into be until around 11:30pm and not falling asleep without a little reading. Not good for me.  I need my sleep.

I got it all done but I was so very, very tired.

I was so tired that I started snapping at people.  “This is not yoga-ish!” I thought.  I picked silly fights with my husband, I think I may have whined at the office of all places and I DO NOT WHINE.  I could not figure out why I was feeling this way.  I mean, I was back to yoga!  Why was I doing unhealthy things?

I was so very, very tired.

I was so tired I forgot how much work I was doing in class.  I might feel great afterwards, but I was still doing a lot of work – work my body was not used to.  When I dragged myself into the house tonight and realized I was in no mood to make turkey chili, it clicked.  I am not used to this and that is ok.  I will get used to it as long as I keep moving forward.  Luckily, fate smiled on me and my husband went out to have a couple beers with a friend, leaving me to skip making chili.  I made a simple dinner of mushrooms, butternut squash and an egg, something I probably would not make if my husband was home for dinner.  I curled up in bed with my comfort food and was actually grateful for the tiredness.  It made me relax and enjoy what I was doing instead of being snappy and curlish.  I still made dinner instead of eating out or getting take out but I just did it a different way.  I did what I needed to do and what I wanted to do.  Now that was yoga-ish.