The above title should be sung to the tune of “Vacation” by the Go-Go’s. I had to start with something funny because this post gets a tad deep. You might want to put your life jacket on or at least some swimmies.
I am still alive. I did not abandon my new site. You see, I was away on vacation. Every year I get to visit my soul for about 10 days. I am then tragically ripped away from that which defines me to return to the daily grind that is work, house stuff and doggie mama (not complaining about doggie mama by the way, I missed them like crazy). If you are new to my blog, I am referring to my yearly pilgrimage to Cape Cod, East Dennis, MA to be more precise.
East Dennis is home to Scargo Lake, Scargo Tower and my namesake’s home if you had not figured that out already. It is where my soul dwells. I am not joking or being some sort of New Age loon. There is something about the place the pulls me in and grounds me. When I cross one of the bridges over the canal my entire self changes. It is difficult to explain. Imagine being sore and weak from a hard day of physical and mental labor. The feeling of peeling off your dirty clothes and sliding into a shower and watching the grime slide away and feeling your muscles begin to loosen as all that is mean and dirty is washed away and replaced with a calm serenity that usually lasts until you realize you forgot to bring a towel into the bathroom. That feeling stays with me the entire time I am there. It is where I am actually meant to be 100% of the time but sadly, I am not.
When I try to explain it people think it just has to do with being ‘on vacation’. It is not. It is so much more than that. When I am there I am grounded and it is almost magical. I am me and all that came before me. I can feel my past and my present combining. When I say my past and present I mean that if I had a past life, it was probably lived there and I can feel it. What I cannot feel is the future and I am almost positive it is because I have not tried very hard while I am there, probably out of fear. It might also be that I don’t need to know it. What ever I need is usually provided by just being there whether it is a gorgeous day to sit and let the ocean ease me into meditation, a rainy day to get lost in a book and early morning to pick blueberries or smile at the bounty of a farmers market. When I am there and fully aware of me, I know what I need and it seems that the Earth does as well. I don’t find that anywhere else.
When I was younger, I had more time there; two or three weeks each year. Now because of the American way of working yourself to death, I take my meager vacation days and spend as many of them as I can there but it is never enough. When it is time to leave I cry. I cry every time. It is not something I can fight. I know it is because I am very aware of what I am leaving behind. I leave the real me behind every year, the me that is whole. I bring a few pieces back but they are not ever as full and rich as the whole. It’s not the loss of ‘vacation time’ it’s the parting of the person and the soul.
This is why I have not blogged. When I sat down to do so my mind just didn’t want to do it. It would tell me to get away from the computer, pick up a book or go sit outside and listen to the gulls and birds and ocean. I would do that and then find joy. I did wonder if I would be able to write about it when I got back. I am sure that I have not done the explanation justice but you will have to take my word for it.